Broken Roads

How can I say anything about the “mistakes” I’ve made in my life?  Lord, You knew each decision I was going to make before I made them and You knew where each path led to get me to where I am now.  You knew that I was going to be the only one at home to walk the born again life in front of my parents and little sister. You knew the friends I would have and the experiences I would have because of it as well.  You knew the mountain tops and the valleys I would go through and the lessons I would learn in each one.  You knew the people who would benefit from my experiences…and the benefits I would receive from each of those encounters as well.

I am amazed when I can look back at those heartbroken nights when I would walk up and down the street talking to You and crying.  As I look back and remember my bedroom with all the Bible verses I had taped up as I memorized Your Word because I just could not get enough of it.  I remember thinking how goofy I was that I would be so excited or happy that my words started sounding like gibberish…only to find out decades later that YOU had already given me my prayer language, but because of the church I was in I couldn’t know it as a “prayer language” because they didn’t believe in that sort of thing.

You knew though, and You knew the need I had of that language and what it would do for me. You knew the circumstances that I would face that would need me to know how to deal with things that had never been taught to me by my church.  How to “instinctively know” how to stand up to demonic forces.  You taught me how to use the authority You had given me over them, when the church I attended didn’t understand or at least didn’t teach on this subject.  You created in me more desire to know YOU intimately as a Father and friend.

Father, You gave me the desire of my heart. As much as I could handle of it anyway.  But then, but then the sin that so easily beset did it’s best work in me.  I always heard the old saying, “the bigger they are the harder they fall.”  I just never thought that saying would have anything to do with yours-truly.  I can remember telling others not to put people on a pedestal because the other person was, after all, human.  It’s a fact, people will fail us, they can’t help it…they truly are only human…made in Adams likeness and prone to fail. Not by YOUR plan, but because of bad choices (or one bad choice to be completely correct.)  But I had put ME on that pedestal! Talk about a glaringly BAD CHOICE.  Oh how haughty I became.  Looking down from my lofty perch at the “unenlightened” masses of “other” Christians.

The fall was/is hard…and oh so painful.  I used to be confident and secure in what I knew. Now, not so much. I feel very unsure of myself with others anymore. I know You are with me and You will guide me when I seek Your face. I just have forgotten how to do that with all my heart. I have the want to but the how escapes me anymore. When did I become one of the faceless masses? I don’t want to be pitied nor do I want to be worshipped. I just want to feel a part of something. I distance myself at work to stay away from the office politics and cattiness that happens in an office full of women. I want to connect somewhere…but it hasn’t happened.  Lord, even this evening when I was at the Bible study…I found that everyone else had someone to talk to except me. Why am I distancing myself from other Christians?! I don’t understand. Father I need Your help. I need YOUR understanding and direction. Please Lord, let me find someone that I can relate to.

I say with my mouth that I want to be in Your presence…I say with my mouth to be more like You is what I want…but with my actions. With my actions I am saying much louder – feel sorry for me…but DON’T try to teach me anything. I still know more than you because I have “walked with God longer.” Still stuck on THAT treadmill. This needs to stop and now.

Thoughts in Insomnia

Thoughts in the middle of the night when insomnia hits, yet again.

I’m so glad I got to spend time with my Mom before she passed, she was and is a real inspiration. I hope I got at least a little of her love of life and family. She was totally with us until she went home…less than 24 hours before she died she was sitting on the edge of my sister’s couch having conversation with her Pastor’s wife and to see this (if you didn’t know she was sick) you would not have guessed that she was dying.

Molly looks so much better when she is groomed, so why do I not keep her groomed…it’s not like it costs me anything, I do it myself. Laziness has to go…that is all I’m going to say about that.

As much as I love organization why am I so disorganized in my schedule? If I would take the time to plan how my days should be spent I could get so much more accomplished. I mean I do a good job at work keeping priorities in order…but when I am home that all goes out the window. I guess, maybe I am afraid that too much organization removes any spontaneity…you have to have flexibility or you become so rigid that you can’t bend. But I also don’t want to be a wet noodle either. There is a mid-point somewhere and I will, with God’s help, find it.

Panda Pop is addictive…I need to walk away for awhile. There are so many things that are SO much more important that I leave Undone because I waste time on that stupid game. So…starting now…I’m officially done with it for the next month I will NOT play that game. Period.

When I was 10 I would NEVER have believed that my phone would be my navigator and be better than I could EVER have been even with a map! Technology is a good thing but I don’t want to become so dependent on it that I can’t do anything on my own again. I used to do math (ok simple add and subtract) in my head…I need to cultivate that again, along with using a real map – not a virtual one. I need to be more disciplined about EVERYTHING again. My finances being a big priority. Ric did me no favor when he coerced me into giving into every little whim. That needs corrected too…and NOW.

 

 

Pause…

Hmmm, what do you do when your mind is running a thousand miles an hour and your body is saying, “yeah…that ain’t happening.” Write…so many things going through my mind right now. I love living with a friend and sharing expenses, but sometimes I miss the alone time that I had before. Quiet is a beautiful thing…it really is. Ah, there are ways to make it work. Always a way.

Sitting here with my earphones on listening to Pandora while I think and let the words come. My mind is floating lightly on the sound like a boat on a lake on a warm spring day. The gentle breeze of thought touch here and there and make me smile. None linger long enough to take hold, just a brief moment and off again. And then…there’s the commercials (because I’m cheap and don’t want to PAY for radio). OK, so frugal is the nice way of saying it but it still remains the dollar in my pocket can better be spent on stuff that I can’t get for free. Yup, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Sometimes I just get lost in a place where it is just me. I can be in a crowded room or maybe at the mall or bookstore (I love bookstores) and find myself somewhere far beyond where I am physically. I often wonder if anyone else has these moments. I sort of feel like I am cocooned warm, loved and secure. It’s so easy to want to stay there. I know that the life I am living now is truly just training ground for my true life that starts when I shed this one…I kind of think these moments are small glimpses into that life. I hope they are anyway. The quiet times…the sweet memories that wash over me and remind me whose I am.

 

March

To walk with measured and regular tread, as soldiers on parade; advance in step as an organized body. To walk in a deliberate and stately manner…or better yet…The third month of our calendar year. Time marches on and now it is March…again. For the first time in a very long time I find myself almost excited to see what lies ahead of us.

They say (the old wives you know) that if March comes in like a lion it will go out like a lamb. And visa versa actually. Well, March definitely came in like a lion this year…the storm started just after midnight so it truly was March when it started. Thunder rolled in the distance and I caught a few glimpses of lightening which of course brought the thunder so much sooner. To be honest, I didn’t watch much as I am an avid storm sleeper. Yes, it’s true, I could probably sleep through a tornado if it didn’t hit my house. Light sleepers beware, this is the time of year when you truly can have all 4 seasons in a single day. At least here in Ohio.

It’s this time of the year when I miss Texas (oops…did I just say that?!) I remember watching the cloud formations and could just about guarantee a funnel was about to come down. Granted these were not killer tornados – just small twisters. But I loved it. OK, ok, it has taken twenty-six years (that’s how long I have be gone) to admit I do miss some things about Texas. I do have some good memories from that place. I got to know quite a few good people down there. I will go back for a visit sooner than later.

But…none of that has to do with why I am excited about what’s coming. It is a NEW YEAR…it is a NEW MONTH…and God’s mercies are NEW EVERY MORNING. EVERY morning. I started a new job at the VERY END of last year…and each day brings me more joy than the day before. Every morning I get to sit and read (Jesus) my husband’s love letter to me, telling me what HE wants me to know. Encouragement when I need it, direction, correction (ouch) it hurts when He has to give me an attitude adjustment but it makes me a little more LIKE HIM when it happens so I won’t complain. I will just keep smiling and praise His name at all times. Especially when I feel least like it…that’s when it is needed (by me) the most. It’s not a lie…it’s a goal. I think Mya Angelou said “just because you are in pain doesn’t mean you need to BE ONE.” I love that…and it is so true. So I DO try to be nice to every one. I truly DO love my job because I get to help other people and they appreciate it.

Someone told me today (at work of course) that I seemed to be smiling every time she saw me and said she really appreciated it…she said “Keep smiling, it’s contagious”. I have to agree…don’t you? If so, let’s infect the world in which we live. It would be so much better if we did.

My How Time Flies

I have both heard it said and said it myself…”the older you get the faster time seems to go.” Breathe in, breathe out and another year is gone. It just seems like yesterday we were putting up our Christmas decorations and when we did that we had to hurry to remove our Halloween decorations because it just looked weird to have spiders crawling around on our icicle lights. Ah but it was interesting there for a day or so.

When I (like pretty much everyone else) was young I couldn’t wait to grow up, to be an adult. I wanted to be able to make my own decisions and touch other’s lives.  I honestly believed those two “goals” were two. Little did my small mind understand that they were in-fact one. My decisions were not my own…it took way too long to realize that every one of them affected so many more people than just me.

When my nieces and nephews came along I remember making it my “goal” to be the BEST Aunt that I could be. I wanted them to know without a doubt that I loved them and that no matter what, if they needed me I would always be there for them. I wanted to live a life that pointed them to Jesus…and to be a GOOD example. It blessed me to hear that some of them got together and unanimously voted that I was their favorite aunt for all the reasons I had lived my life as I did. BUT, it didn’t take any time at all to realize that I couldn’t “rest on my laurels” when I made some very bad decisions. All the years I lived for others love were for naught in just a couple years. I did learn my lesson…that’s what time has taught me.

As fast as time flies the lessons you can learn IF you choose to do so are fitting for the years you have to live to learn them. If there is one thing I would love to pass on to others is; if you can possibly learn from someone else’s mistakes do so…the pain you have to go through to learn it yourself really does qualify the analogy of the toilet paper roll – it spins a lot faster as it gets closer to the end.

 

Mind Your Own Business

What is it with all the “reality” shows, why would any sane person want to have their whole life on display for the whole world to see? Can it be that all the busyness that is our lives be so empty that we feel it necessary to live vicariously through the crazy lives of the people on our TVs? Why is it that it appears to be OK to watch people connive, backstab and use others to scratch their way to the big bucks. How empty and wasted of a life is that? Is this what we want our kids to believe? Is this the ultimate goal to set before our youngsters?

What happened to values? What happened to living life instead of just existing and trying to get some kind of satisfaction from watching others “live.” There is a saying “life isn’t measured by the number of breaths you take but by the moments that take your breath away.” It’s a nice saying…but it’s a better way of life. If we live our lives so superficially that we never touch another person or never let another touch us, we will never really have those moments that take our breath away. You have to care about something outside your skin to have anything take your breath away.

I love my job. I work for a county agency and there is just something about greeting people with a genuine smile, and seeing that smile in return. People want to know someone cares. Even if I have to give an answer that they don’t want to hear…knowing that I truly do care makes a difference in the way they handle that informaIs thistion. The sincere gratitude of these people take my breath away. Touching lives, one person at a time…it gives me satisfaction. You can’t get that on TV.

 

Just a Random Thought

Maybe it’s just me…but all our devices that are supposed to make life “easier” only tend to complicate instead of easing our lives.  Eh, it’s probably just me. I never thought I’d be the nostalgic kind of person…but gosh I remember when we went to school to be educated…not indoctrinated. We learned to actually use a pencil and eraser because it was ok to admit we made a mistake and were taught to correct them ourselves. Amazing, isn’t it? To learn that mistakes are part of the learning process. Hmm, now that’s a thought.

We learned to use ink pens later when writing mistakes were fewer…what a day! Woohoo made it past pencils…but they are still nice to have around just incase. Don’t you think?