How can I say anything about the “mistakes” I’ve made in my life? Lord, You knew each decision I was going to make before I made them and You knew where each path led to get me to where I am now. You knew that I was going to be the only one at home to walk the born again life in front of my parents and little sister. You knew the friends I would have and the experiences I would have because of it as well. You knew the mountain tops and the valleys I would go through and the lessons I would learn in each one. You knew the people who would benefit from my experiences…and the benefits I would receive from each of those encounters as well.
I am amazed when I can look back at those heartbroken nights when I would walk up and down the street talking to You and crying. As I look back and remember my bedroom with all the Bible verses I had taped up as I memorized Your Word because I just could not get enough of it. I remember thinking how goofy I was that I would be so excited or happy that my words started sounding like gibberish…only to find out decades later that YOU had already given me my prayer language, but because of the church I was in I couldn’t know it as a “prayer language” because they didn’t believe in that sort of thing.
You knew though, and You knew the need I had of that language and what it would do for me. You knew the circumstances that I would face that would need me to know how to deal with things that had never been taught to me by my church. How to “instinctively know” how to stand up to demonic forces. You taught me how to use the authority You had given me over them, when the church I attended didn’t understand or at least didn’t teach on this subject. You created in me more desire to know YOU intimately as a Father and friend.
Father, You gave me the desire of my heart. As much as I could handle of it anyway. But then, but then the sin that so easily beset did it’s best work in me. I always heard the old saying, “the bigger they are the harder they fall.” I just never thought that saying would have anything to do with yours-truly. I can remember telling others not to put people on a pedestal because the other person was, after all, human. It’s a fact, people will fail us, they can’t help it…they truly are only human…made in Adams likeness and prone to fail. Not by YOUR plan, but because of bad choices (or one bad choice to be completely correct.) But I had put ME on that pedestal! Talk about a glaringly BAD CHOICE. Oh how haughty I became. Looking down from my lofty perch at the “unenlightened” masses of “other” Christians.
The fall was/is hard…and oh so painful. I used to be confident and secure in what I knew. Now, not so much. I feel very unsure of myself with others anymore. I know You are with me and You will guide me when I seek Your face. I just have forgotten how to do that with all my heart. I have the want to but the how escapes me anymore. When did I become one of the faceless masses? I don’t want to be pitied nor do I want to be worshipped. I just want to feel a part of something. I distance myself at work to stay away from the office politics and cattiness that happens in an office full of women. I want to connect somewhere…but it hasn’t happened. Lord, even this evening when I was at the Bible study…I found that everyone else had someone to talk to except me. Why am I distancing myself from other Christians?! I don’t understand. Father I need Your help. I need YOUR understanding and direction. Please Lord, let me find someone that I can relate to.
I say with my mouth that I want to be in Your presence…I say with my mouth to be more like You is what I want…but with my actions. With my actions I am saying much louder – feel sorry for me…but DON’T try to teach me anything. I still know more than you because I have “walked with God longer.” Still stuck on THAT treadmill. This needs to stop and now.